My Old Strange, Strange Relationship

Okay it’s two in the morning. I got out of bed just to write this. I wanted to blog about this because it all popped back into my head. Writers like to go with our guts and feelings immediately. Most of us don’t like to hold off on ideas so I wanted to write about this. It will not only clear things up for me, but it would be nice to see what others think of this.

Rewind to 2001. Here’s the story…

I met this guy. He was a white guy. Most of my men friends have been white. It just happened that way. I guess because we had some of the same interests. Also, I am a big supporter of interracial relationships. That’s just me. I don’t look at people’s color when it comes to dating or whatever. This guy has been out of my life for years but today of all days I found myself thinking about him.

You want to know how it all began? Well, he approached me. For those who may need a reminder, I am a model as well as author. Curvaceous thing I am, I modeled on the full-figure circuit. I modeled for sites mainly. I modeled lingerie, all types of things. Well, it was 2001 and I was depressed back then. A lot of things were going badly. My writing career wasn’t where I wanted it to be. I just felt lost. I delved into the only thing that made me like myself. That was my looks. So I started focusing on modeling just to uplift me. There is nothing like feeling attractive right? This is how I met “ Jay “. I won’t use his real name of course.

How we met? Jay wrote me a long letter about how attractive I was out of the blue. He told me he saw my modeling pictures and he wanted to get to know me. He basically said I was the woman of his dreams. And any woman will tell you that, that is the sweetest thing any woman can hear from a man. It doesn’t happen often to any of us so I was very flattered. He was very honest. He told me he thought I was very beautiful. He went onto explain how he loved black girls even though he never dated any. Since I am heavy into interracial relationships myself, I thought this was wonderful. He liked full ladies too, LOL. The first letter he went on and on about how good I looked from my head to my toes. I’m not a fool but I wrote him back. I was surprised I did at the time because I got mail from tons of men when I modeled. Some men even proposed to me by email. It’s pathetic and creepy isn’t it? I thought it was just because I modeled but I’ve attracted even more creeps as a writer. I wrote Jay back thanking him for the sweet things he said. That’s how it began.

We met and started hanging. We chatted on the Internet constantly. We had so much in common that it blew me away. I was in my early twenties so I wasn’t looking for someone to live a life with, but the more I hung with Jay, the better the idea became. Everything was okay for a while. You see I’m a very inquisitive woman. I noticed Jay was ‘ different ‘ from the beginning. He had a little ‘ weird ‘ streak in him. At least I thought it was a little one at the time. So I played along with the things he said. We would talk about sex. He would talk about things he liked to do, etc. I was just playing along. Maybe I was leading him on but I did it. If it was wrong then I was just wrong.
I didn’t have any problems with his weird behavior until I noticed it went beyond that. He would suggest things he’d want us to do later in the relationship. (We never slept with each other. I want that to be known.) He would just suggest things. We both felt we’d one day make this step. Of course, I figured it was just a game but the farther along we went, the stranger Jay grew. He was a writer too so he would write stories to me. He wrote erotic stories and yes, I liked that. I am not going to lie and say I didn’t. But it went way beyond that. We knew each other for probably a total of two or three years and I still can’t believe I stayed around that long. I wasn’t taking him seriously at first. It all seemed like a game. But it wasn’t. Jay had serious issues. He had a very weird sexual appetite. His desires went from strange, to morbid. He talked of porn sites he visited. He told me he wanted us to get married. He said he could see us married n the future. I of course could not. I was like, “ What? “

I know I led him on. I know that. Luckily I realized he was sick before I found myself in harm’s way. He completely went out of the box. He said that he wanted me to flash men for him. He said that would turn him on, for men to see what he had. He said he that would like me to have sex with other men so he could watch. Even if we got married. Of course I was disgusted. And I wasn’t going to marry him! Please! I’m not a fool! But somehow I kept thinking this just couldn’t be happening. This guy, I thought was so cool to be with cannot be this perverted. He was. Jay just couldn’t keep his mind out of the gutter. He got more and more perverted as time went on. It scared me because I kept thinking how could someone so young be like this already? Did his family know? He’d always suggest things then he’d say, “ Am I scaring you? “ or “ I don’t want to pressure you. “ He knew damn well when he went too far. I became frightened of Jay. I cut ties with him. Yep after all that time right?

I must have been stupid because I started missing him. He started emailing me. He asked me what had happened. Why I didn’t want to be with him anymore. He said that he would chill with how he behaved. That he was only playing. And like a sap, I believed him. We started up again. Of course, since my absence his desires had gotten worse. He’d gotten so obsessed with porn sites on the Internet that he’d lost so much weight because he was too busy doing that to eat. He’d dropped probably forty pounds since I last saw him. He couldn’t eat for being so obsessed with his desires. It wasn’t that he was obsessed with the “ sex “ itself, but with his strange desires. He kept going on about how he was going to buy a web cam. He went on about it for weeks. He said he wanted us to see each other when we chatted on the net. I’m no fool. I knew what he was gearing towards. And I was right.

He wanted the web cam so I could see him. He wanted me to get one so he could see me. I was so disgusted. He kept trying to masturbate in front of me. Now, I knew he was masturbating when we chatted before. I had a feeling. It had been obvious. Now he wanted me to watch him and I had, had it. I didn’t even say I never wanted to see him again. I just clicked off that night like always. It was like it was no big deal. That was in 2003. I never spoke to or heard from Jay again.

I know he was upset. I know he wondered what happened. I guess he figured I took all I could take. How can you seriously have a relationship with someone who is this warped? I cared about him a lot. But he needed serious help. So today I was thinking about him. I don’t want to see him or anything. It’s just that he popped into my head. I wonder how things would have ended up if I kept giving him chance after chance. The relationship was draining at best. And I know I brought some of it on myself. I know that. I guess I fell in love a little bit there. Or else I enjoyed the attention.

Now it’s over. Love is a funny thing is it? But then again, how can I be sure that’s what this was anyway? Should I feel guilty for not telling Jay I didn’t want him? Was it wrong that I just left like that? I often wonder. He scared me so much at that point I couldn’t bear to talk to him.

Sometimes I feel guilty. I think I should have handled it better. Funny that this is the first time in years I’ve thought of him. I am just glad it’s all over. This relationship is part of the reason I don’t worry about dating. I guess Jay’s strange behavior ruined it for me. Well, I just wanted to share. What do you think of this weird situation? Maybe I was dumb for sharing it but I wanted to.

Stacy