Mentally Whipping Your Man (This Post is Long But You'll ENJOY it!)

This is a fun blog passage, folks! Some things popped into my head and I wanted to share my thoughts. I have compiled a humorous list on how to play mind tricks with your man in order to get what you want which is to…control him. No, just kidding but this is a funny list so just check it out!

The " Shirt " Fiasco

Men don't realize this but women love to do this. It is nothing funnier or more gratifying than to see your man walk out when he's getting ready to take you out, straightening his clothes confidently. Now he's looking good, I mean GOOD. And he knew it before he walked out there. But some little evil component in a woman's mind just makes us want to mess with him a little bit. Why? Because women are, well we're just evil. Haven't you figured that out yet? We love nothing more than to see how far we can trick our man. So he comes out straightening his tie and we know he's looking FINE. So he goes " How do I look? " And our mouths want to say, " Baby let's skip dinner and the movie and get to the freaking! " But the little evil component in our mind makes us say, " You going to wear that? " Ha! It works every time. I don't care who the man is. Oh boy you say that to a guy and he will spend the rest of the night trying to find out what's wrong with that shirt! " What's wrong with this, baby? No seriously, what's wrong with the shirt? " You go, " Oh honey I was just playing with you. " He goes, " No, come on what's wrong with the shirt? " Then he runs back into the bedroom trying to discover the problem. Ha! There is nothing more entertaining than making your man crazy by playing with his head. Hey we have to get our kicks somewhere right?

Making Him Think He Did or Said What He Didn't

Oh this is the killer! Most women can twist words like a slinky! Goodness we have an art to manipulating you, fellows. Okay this is the situation when we know you didn't ACTUALLY say you'd buy us that sweater, purse or shoes but we are doing our best to play with your mind until you can't remember if you're going or coming. We also like to make you think you did something wrong when actually we did it. He goes, " Baby I didn't eat the last of the vanilla ice cream. " You go, " Yes you did. Remember you came in the other day complaining you were hungry and I told you dinner would be ready in a minute but you had to eat then? Anyway you said you'd buy it so…" He squints. " Baby I didn't eat the last of the ice cream. " He glances around, confused. " I know I didn't. "

Example 2:

He enters the bedroom. You abruptly stop from clipping your coupons. " Baby? " He announces, " Where did this four hundred dollar bill on my charge card come from? " " Huh? " You do your best to play dumb. " Oh uh…you remember honey you told me to charge that designer sweater. " " What sweater? " He stares at the credit card bill. " You know. The sweater I told you I wanted a few months ago. Remember you said go on and charge it so I… " He hits his head. " Wait, wait, wait. Now hold up. I know I didn't say charge no four hundred-dollar sweater. " He stares, dumbfounded. " Yes you did! " You laugh. " Remember I was going out with Annie and you were still sleeping so I tapped your shoulder and said I was going shopping. I asked you if I could get the sweater and you said yes. " You stare, nearly busting a gut from trying not to laugh. " Uh-uh. " He turns around. " Wait, I didn't tell you to charge no sweater! " " Honey, you're yelling at me. You're hurting my feelings. " " Sorry baby but, I mean if I told you to charge it I would remember. " " Are you calling me a liar? " You start sniffling as if you're really going to cry when in actuality you're laughing inside. " No honey I…" He stares at the bill. " I guess I forgot then. " He leaves the room, shrugging. Ha!

Dressing Him

When you are at the point where you are shopping for your man and dressing him, girl you have gotten that power. The more you shop for a man, the less he trusts his own senses. First, search his closest. If he's a pretty good dresser than you may still suggest a few changes. But if he's okay then leave his clothes alone. But if you're with one of those men who happen to be cute and fine but dresses like a professional golfer then it's time to make some adjustments. Throw out everything hideous in his closest. Throw out those knickerbockers, corduroy, torn jumpsuits, and anything else that suggests he hasn't really shopped for clothes since the eighties. In other words, throw out everything he's got that you KNOW you don't want him wearing around you. Take his behind to a nice men's shop. NO T THE MALL! You need to go somewhere with a tailor. Get him measured and get him some decent clothes. Then take him to the athletics shop to get him some good casual wear. And remember to make sure he knows he's paying.

" Stop. " He starts acting a fool when you hold up clothes to his chest. Don't worry ladies. He's not used to that fine material. He might fuss a little bit when he realizes you're dressing him like his momma used to but believe me he'll appreciate it. Why? Women have excellent taste so if a woman is dressing him, he's going to look good. This feeds into men's egos, ladies. How? Because OTHER women will start looking at your man. Oh yeah. You've cleaned him up and fixed him up now other women want him. " Baby what's wrong? " He runs after you when you guys leave the store. You stick your nose in the air. " I saw you winking at those women. " You pretend you're upset but actually you're not. You're just reeling him in. Men still don't know this. " No I just held the door for them. Baby why are you tripping? You know you're the only one for me. " You sniffle, once again pretending you're really hurt. " But I just feel neglected when you look at other women. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough. " He holds you. " Oh sweetie. " He looks across the street. " Look Nordstrom's is across the street. Hey I'll buy you something nice to cheer you up, baby. " He kisses your cheek. " All right? " He asks. He holds the door for you to get in the car. You bust out laughing. Once again, the perfect trick has been administered. Not only did you force him to change his entire wardrobe to suit your tastes but you're getting some jewelry or a new outfit out of it too. Ha, ha, ha! Evil knows as evil does!

Drag Him to Destruction With Begging and Pleading Until He's Hooked

Now everyone knows there is one place on earth a woman can definitely control her man and that's in the bedroom. Oh yes, we hold that power. But before you get there, you need him hungry for all you can provide throughout the relationship. Don't share the " goodies " until he's so hooked he can't see straight. That's right. Girl you give it up on the first date then what? You dummy! You've given up all your power. You need to stretch out that teasing. Make him beg for more. Yeah, they say they'll leave if you don't give them some but believe me no one else is so they ain't going nowhere. And if he wanted a cheap hoochie he wouldn't be in a relationship with you right, right? Ladies sex is the biggest control you have over your man. Use it wisely. Make him want you to the point where he grovels.

a) NOT the Right Time to Have Sex

He brings you home after your third date. " Can I come inside? " He asks. You wonder, did he mean you or the house? You want him like a monkey wants a banana. So you give him all your goods in one night. Oh you put a hurt on him, girl! He was to' up from the flo' up when you got through! You worked him over so good Dr. Ruth asks YOU for pointers. So the next morning when he hobbles out of bed, you call your friend. " Oh yeah I wore him out, girl! " And you expect her to say, " You go, girl! " But she really goes, " You idiot! You should have made him beg for that loving and now you don't have nothing else to fall back on! " So you end up feeling and LOOKING like a fool. Oh you may have worn him out in the bedroom, but he won the round for the long run.

b) The RIGHT Time to Have Sex:
AAARG! You hold on for dear life as he pulls the car over BEFORE you guys get back home after three months of dating. " Oh baby I got to have you now! " He's sweating, huffing and puffing. His eyes are red. His fingers are shaking. His little friend is…well…you know what his friend's doing right about now. THIS IS THE TIME!

Now I'm not saying in the car but this is the night you need to give it up. Why? Because his mind is weak. He wants the antidote only the medicine between your thighs can provide. So he's yours. He's fallen for it hook line and sinker. You take him home and run him like a marathon. Then when he stands from that crumbled heap on the floor. You sit on your knees in the bed, buck naked, staring him in the face. Then you say, " Now go in the kitchen and make me something to eat, fool! " He's so strung out from that good loving you threw at him he makes a bee line out the bedroom before you blink. Now you lay down on those soft, silk sheets. You stare at the red lighting around the room. Listening to the soothing, sexy voice of Joe's CD and say…" Now I got him. " And it feels good because good loving is only the beginning. But from that point on, he's yours mind, body and soul.

Trust me. Play with the men. It works.

The photo is of R&B vocalist Joe. Put on a Joe CD and it's on!