The Stacy Experiment: Could I Be His Victim Too?

Caught, actually taped a film on Lifetime tonight starring Jamie Luner.
The film was called, " Stranger in My Bed ". She played a battered wife who faked her death to get away from her husband. Being a writer, my mind drifts twenty-four seven. I can watch a movie, read a book or even ride in a car and my mind instantly goes from reality to " what ifs " and " what would happens ", you get the drill right?

How much do we really know about ourselves huh? How much do you know about yourself? I thought I knew myself but as I get older I find myself questioning decisions I've made and thoughts I've had. Who the hell do I think I am? I always said that I would never let a man hit me. I always said I would be one of those women who wouldn't ever let a man hit me. I still say that. I shout that it's the woman's fault for letting that happen. But how do I know what I would really do?

You ever just drift and start examining yourself out of the blue? I mean the kind of person you are. I'm talking the deep sh*t. You ever do that? How much do you really know about actions you would or wouldn't take? What bothers me is I don't know myself as much as I think I do. If I’m unsure about things I have said, then that tells me I don't know myself. And how can I judge someone if I don't know myself? I was watching that movie and I wondered, " Why wouldn't I let a man hit me? " How do I know for real that I wouldn't? I've never been in that situation but I have been frightened. I've been in situations where I felt I would have been kidnapped. I've had men approach me and scare me half to death in situations that could have led to rape or worse. I have been that scared. I have had men use their power, or at least try to, to control me.
I have been so scared that my mind and body literally shut down. I've been so scared that I've dreamt about what almost happened even months after it was over. I have been that scared to where I've given people's actions control over me. So I was sitting here tonight and I thought that maybe all of us women who give the advice to other women to leave the men that do this to them are hypocrites. At least I think I am now. Hell I don't know what I would do if I'd be in that situation! Yeah I'm strong, tough, and big. I talk the talk and walk the walk but would I still do that in that situation? Would the strength I have compare to what he would have, being able to capture my fear and use it to control me? My rule, if he hits me once, I'm gone. I was raised that a man's hands are made to hold you, not hit you. I also know that if any man laid a finger on me my father and every other male in my family would tear him limb from limb. But still…

How do I know?

Until I've been in that battered lady's shoes, and I hope to god I won't ever be. How do I know how I will react? How do you really know? How much do you really know about yourself when you get scared? I spend my life giving advice but how do I really know? Maybe I will be just like the women on television, stripped of self-esteem, stripped of pride to be beaten. And look at how I've been going through life right? I always thought that women who were beaten were women who didn't know better. I always thought women who were beaten didn't have sense or didn't have brains enough to get out. See, how I judged? Because I always thought a strong, smart woman couldn't be beaten. I always thought she'd be smart enough to not put up with it. That comforted me because I could use my education and my upbringing and strength to hide that underneath all those attributes I was still just a woman. And could easily be as intimidated by a man as other women could.

Some of those battered women aren't all uneducated housewives who had babies at fifteen. Some of them are executives, college graduates, doctors, lawyers, counselors, actresses, singers (that I admire like Tina Turner) and yes, even authors.

I sit here, two seconds away from balling because the fact that I don't really know what I'd do in any situation scares the hell out of me. So I ask again, how well do you know yourself? And please read this and fully get the point before you answer. Because my true point is that I don't think it's possible to know anything anymore, until you've experienced it.

Life has really begun to scare me. I sometimes ache to be a little girl again. I sit here in isolated fear of myself now. Isn't that crazy? I feel like a stranger because nothing seems to make sense sometimes. Okay, I know authors aren't tip-top in the mental department but I never thought I'd feel like this. I'd never thought I'd feel so unsure towards myself. What's worse, not knowing yourself or thinking you know yourself? I really wouldn't know. I don't know. But from now on I will think of this moment and these thoughts as much as I can.

Peace…